A Baby Born into Heaven

February 1 was our due date in 2019. The doctor told me so :) There is such a weird grief and pain when it comes to pregnancy after a loss.

We are SO incredibly blessed to have our daughter, born early, making her only 2.5 months older than the first child we carried. I am so incredibly blessed by E's birth. It definitely did not come easy and you can read about that in previous posts. However, today I remember our first child. Carried only for a few weeks but loved for a lifetime. 

It is crazy how common miscarriages are. So many women suffering from the incredible loss. Some try to justify that they can't be sad or grieve because they weren't very far along. However, I know from experience where your head and heart went the second you got a positive line on the pregnancy test. You dreamt of that child's future, its gender, the nursery, holding them in your arms. You imagined them playing on your living room floor, snuggling them late at night, dropping them off at school for their first day, holding your breath as they drove away in their very own car for the first time, being present at their wedding, watching them become parents themselves. You imagined it all just from a simple line. 

It's normal to grieve that. It's a loss. A whole life you never got to participate in. 

Maybe you actually held your child, I can't imagine that feeling. But I know that it was the hardest thing you probably have ever done. Once again your life was crushed. Your future thrown off. It was never part of the plan. 

There are daily reminders of the life that you don't get to have, the pain and the sorrow never truly goes away. It creeps up when you least expect it. When you think you finally have regained control you may fall apart again. 

There are no words that make it easier, no time that passes that truly takes away the pain. The only thing that helps me isn't that fact I was blessed with a rainbow baby, she's a whole other person that I LOVE! It's the fact that our first child is known by God, living in heaven, and that some day I will get to meet him or her and see their joyful smiling face welcoming me home. 

That day keeps me going. 

So if you are part of this group of woman, a group that no one wants to be a part of, know  you are not alone. You are seen, heard, and we weep with you. Especially on days where it creeps back in. Especially on the days like today, the due date.

Happy first birthday to my angel baby, until we meet again!